Compassion and love are the natural language of our hearts, but somewhere along the way, many of us picked up a critical, judgmental, shaming language we use toward ourself. There is a way to return to and live from the abundant source of love that already exists within us.

Rumi said, “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

Self-compassion is the tool that will remove the barriers and allow the voice of love and compassion to more present. It is the practice of offering warmth, tenderness, encouragement, and support to ourselves, rather than being cold, critical, and judgmental when challenges and difficulty arise in our lives.

Self-compassion isn’t a way to make suffering or discomfort disappear, or a way to become a perfect person who never experiences suffering. We practice self-compassion because we suffer and want to offer ourselves a more perfect love. It’s the practice of moving toward our suffering, big or small, and giving ourself the comfort and support needed to bear it, while providing the optimal conditions for growth and transformation.

Here are the three elements of self-compassion:

1. Self-kindness vs. self-judgment. This means we are warm, understanding and supportive of ourself when we experience suffering.

2. Common humanity vs. isolation. We recognize that suffering is part of the shared human experience.

3. Presence vs. over-identification. We do this when we become a compassionate observer of our suffering rather thangetting caught up in a negative reactivity.

When we are able to meet our own suffering with compassion, it will more naturally, confidently, and skillfully extend to the suffering of others. Pema Chodron explained it best when she said, “Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It's a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity.”

There are a few things we need to get out of the way before we can practice self-compassion. The rules are simple and are as follows:

1. No fixing. The experience of suffering does not mean you are broken. It means you are human. As long as you remain a human on this planet, you will experience suffering along with every other human. Consider the possiblity that your heart, cracked wide open, is expanding to allow only more love to enter in and meet our suffering with compassion. We don’t practice self-compassion to make our pain go away or force it to stop. We practice self-compassion because when our pain is seen and heard and loved, it will subside on it’s own. You have permission to rest from the trying to fix it or force it to go. Let love do all the work.

2. Be a slow learner. If, like many of us, you’ve engaged in self-punishment, self-judgment, self-criticizm, and self-shaming most of your life, learning to pivot toward self-compassion is going to take time. While there may be some immediate relief when we first learn that we can meet ourselves with kindness, for long-term success, self-compassion works best when we go slow and steady. A little at a time goes the furthest. This newsletter is designed for us to take it slow and practice together.

3. Try softer. It can be very tempting to think that if a little self-compassion works, then more will work better, and give us faster results. However, it can lead to overwhelm, disappointment, and perfectionism. We are not doing this practice to become a perfect human who never feels pain or discomfort. We are doing this practice to learn how to give ourselves a more perfect love. If you find yourself frustrated, discouraged, and wondering if you’re doing it right, that’s self-punishment. Be prepared for this to happen several times. Your self-compassion practices and tools will help you get back on track. You have permission to rest from trying so hard and let love do all the work.

4. Understand backdraft. Once you start to offer yourself unconditional love and compassion, you may start to notice all the conditions in which you weren’t loved and that’s a painful realization. This is called backdraft. Backdraft also happens when old wounds come to the surface because they feel safe enough to be seen and heard and loved by you. This a beautiful and profound opportunity to let love reach the parts of ourselves that didn’t receive it before. The practices you will learn here are the tools you’ll need when and if backdraft occurs. Should a wound appear that is too overwhelming, here are some things you can do to bring comfort and seek additional help.